Death, Mountain Dew, and the 360 Monster

First published in GRIND IV, pages 154–157.

Death, Mountain Dew and the 360 Monster “This was the killer toy I saw at the sickest, flashiest E3 showcases” July 2024 is the day I opened a cold can of Mountain Dew with a clear mind.

The sweet liquid slid down my throat, but it couldn't quench my thirst or shift the taste that clung stubbornly to the roof of my mouth. Daily life sank its claws in like a Locust in Marcus Fenix's throat. It wound between my teeth and under my tongue like a Sangheili caught in a scrap with Master Chief.

29 July 2024 is the day the Xbro in me took his peaceable leave of the console that defined not only how I chose to play over the past year, but the whole stretch in which my gamer fantasy was to have an Xbox 360 hooked up to the telly.

From 2005 until now, the Xbox

360 stands for a culture better than it manages to be a console capable of rivalling the extraordinary PlayStation. Beyond hardware and games, Microsoft's console is a natural outgrowth rooted in a skateboard or a BMX. Goofy sometimes, sketchy always. The 360's fan doesn't go vvvvvvvvuuuuum, it makes nu-metal noises, the better to match the red light of the Red Ring of Death. You don't play an Xbox 360 anyway – you're a mate of it. Sometimes you'd have a beer over a game of pétanque under the stairwell of the block, spitting out seeds kept in the pocket of your puffy jacket.

At least that's what the Xbox 360 meant to me, through all those years I wanted this console from a distance, the way only a teenager with no money can want something.

This was the killer toy I saw at the sickest, flashiest E3 showcases, where CliffyB genuinely played Gears of War and Halo got a whole hall on its feet. Forza revved its engines round the circuits and raced towards new open-world horizons. Gaming for gamers who prefer the company of friends in couch co-op and the toxicity in a Call of Duty lobby. An extreme, green ecosystem, diametrically opposed to the boring corporate image Microsoft projected in the world of Excel spreadsheets.

With the closure of the 360 Marketplace comes my last text meant to eulogise the gaming fantasy described above. For me, Aidan reinvented as DOSboi, the conclusion is starting to be the longest chapter. I realise I haven't just been witness to the disappearance of games magazines, to the transformation of the games press into a wretched can-can, to the putrefaction of the AAA industry into a corporate carcass (sic!) and to the vulgarisation of part of the indie scene into a shovelware machine running on AI assets, but above all to my passion burning down into disgust – and then into nostalgia.

The 360 marketplace business is the least of my worries.

“As Idream to live a life that seems of to be a lost reality,” says a line from Blind, Korn's first single. Sitting in the mirror of truth churned up by the passing of time and by the disappearance of everything that delighted us and shaped us in childhood and adolescence, these changes are hard for us ye old farts to process, but completely irrelevant to younger generations. There isn't a single human being under 20 who would spend three seconds of their youth grieving the epilogue of the Xbox Live Marketplace. The concept is alien, the worry just another boomer crisis.

So who am I writing this text for, and what do I want to say with it? Well, it's fairly clear I'm addressing the generation formed in the liminal space between dumb tech and smart tech, who arrived at maturity of taste somewhere between 2004 and 2007. For us the idea of conser- vation is starting to matter more and more, because when we cling to obsolete technology we're really clinging to memories, experiences and an identity.

Still, Microsoft can't shave a piece off the gestalt by closing a digital commerce service. That much must be clear, because you can't kill an idea, and the noema behind an Xbox 360 is bigger than the sum of the products sold.

Which is also how the reactions around the news are explained, though I don't see how anyone could still have been caught by surprise.

On the other hand, technically speaking, the last natural stage in the Xbox 360's life cycle – the death of an online shop – confirms once again the importance of the retro groups that kept the hardware running, and also the value of games distributed in physical disc format. Of course, we have to assume there's merit in it (who would keep the Diablo Immortal servers alive, or an Ouya console?), and in the me- nagerie of X360 titles there are countless masterpieces – many of them compatible with the One and Series X/S.

The sentiment without foundation or form that I'm pouring into this text doesn't include a trace of upset at Microsoft. Quite the opposite: I'm enjoying everything that's happening with the Xbox 360.

Beyond the miserable scalper rats who'll push the price of games past the limits of common decency, the retro community is about to catch a warm current, a wind full of energy, and turn its attention to one of the best consoles in video game history. Matching the theme of my YouTube channel's artwork, the Xbox 360 is ready for a comeback from the dead in the coolest way imaginable.

I'm absolutely sure of that, especially since the signs were already there!

We can already do formidable things with the Xbox OG and 360, from extreme modding and piracy to purist collections, with games sealed in shrink wrap. The time has finally come to listen to the music and applaud the fat lady. If you have a cigar, you know what to do. If not, a cigarette will do. But we're not doing the ritual because we're losing the symbol of a generation. Oh no, brothers, we are the witnesses for the defence in an extraordinary trial, and the exhibits are landmark games like Halo 3, Perfect Dark Zero, Gears of War 3 or Forza Motorsport 4 – you know them, I know them too. The only crime would be indifference to the legacy of the great Xbox 360 from here on.

Enough. I think I've said everything I had left to say. I'm off to boot up my modded grinder, which barely pushes the disc tray out any more, so I can happily shove in a pirated DiRT 2. By the way, the Live Marketplace has closed, but bought games can still be downloaded, the multiplayer still kicks arse, and achievements are still unlockable.

Well then, may the earth lie light on it!

DOSBOI AIDAN

Top 5 Xbox 360 Games @RTDOSboi